Boston Gal's Open Wallet

I agree with Boston Gal - families are definitely a good source of jewels to consider for an engagement ring. When I got engaged, my fiance was in no position to drop a bucket of money on a diamond ring, much less ANY jewelry. Though I was happy to go without one, he was feeling pressure to provide me with some kind of rock since one of best buddies had also gotten engaged and given his fiancee a diamond solitaire. (Gotta keep up with the Jones!)

We went back and forth over the issue, with me wanting to wait it out while he wanted to give me an engagement ring sooner rather than later. We had one of these discussions in front of my parents, and that's when my mother piped up that she had a diamond ring in her jewelry collection that she never wore. Years ago, she had purchased the ring at jewelry store that was going out of business. She offered the ring to us as an engagement gift, which was incredibly generous of her. We accepted and had the diamond reset into a more comfortable setting for me. My fiance thus ended spending a mere fraction of what he intended on an engagement ring.

Sadly, I don't really wear the ring except on special occasions. I don't really like wearing flashy jewels, and though the ring is beautiful, I do feel like it draws too much attention for my taste. However, it's great to take out and wear when we go out for anniversaries, birthdays or formal events, and I will most likely pass it on to one of our kids or nieces/nephews when they decide to get engaged.

Btw, I love your blog, Boston Gal, and I look forward to reading it every day!

 

Boston Gal, what do you think about mossanite rings, which have more fire and brilliance than diamonds, are nearly as hard, but are a lot less expensive?

 

When I was engaged to be married (second time around) twelve years ago, we went ring shopping. After looking at the prices of diamonds, and looking at the needs of our about-to-be-combined-two-divorce-survivors households, we figured we could buy either a diamond ring or a washer and dryer.

I took the washer and dryer.

My engagement ring was simple row of tiny sapphires set flush in a gold band, and to that we added a simple gold wedding band when we were married.

Twelve years later we're still happy, and I've not felt any burning desire for a diamond replacement.

The wedding industry has grown to ridiculous proportions. Young women are socialized to think they HAVE to have custom wedding dresses that cost the earth, hundreds of guests, a dozen or so bridesmaids, a ocean of flowers, champagne fountains, cakes the size of Mt. Everest, swans carved of ice, and all that folderole.

I was married in a silk gown that I sewed myself. Our wedding was in a small chapel at the university where we met. The reception was at my parents' house, and we all fit because we only invited immediate family and a few friends. Our entire wedding and honeymoon cost less than the enormous wedding cake we spotted at the grocery store a few weeks later.

My first wedding was a much larger affair, and it didn't last. The second was simple. We were more interested in being married that getting married. That one lasted.

Oh, and we still have the washer and dryer.

 

I'm a faithful reader, but infrequent poster. This is a topic that I'm somewhat passionate about after doing a gazillion hours of research before our engagement. My now-husband bought me a beautiful antique-style platinum engagement ring with a $7 cubic zirconium, and an extra $40 or so for mounting. It's a high quality, ideal cut CZ from a reputable manufacturer and jeweler.

Diamonds are a sham. They're a byproduct of amazing marketing, and they have little material value (try reselling a used engagement ring!). Besides, the whole industry is riddled with human rights violations. Why would you want to support companies that treat their workers so poorly - segregating husbands from wives, forcing workers to live in huts without running water or electricity? Do you know innocent children have lost limbs for finding diamonds in riverbeds in Africa?

Plus, the enginerd in me wants to point out that even though diamonds are the hardest material, they aren't the most durable. They're more prone to fracturing than many other stones. The whole reason they can sell for so much is because the industry controls the supply, by storing millions of carats in its vaults and buying up new diamond mines that are discovered. No joke!

I'm proud of the fact that I saved thousands of dollars and didn't fall for the whole marketing ploy. I have no problem telling everyone it's a CZ, but the hubby was a bit embarrassed about coming across as a cheapskate, at first. Now, all his guy friends think he's the smartest man alive. Most people are shocked when they find out. Even trained jewelers have a hard time telling the difference between high quality CZs and flawless diamonds.

I just don't see the point in spending thousands of dollars on something that's materially worthless, because some monopoly trained it in our heads that the size of your diamond is synonymous with how much your man loves you. If you have an heirloom with sentimental value, like BostonGal... now, that's completely different and should be cherished. Or some people opt to use a different type of gem. I hope I didn't come across as weirdly obsessive or pushy. Just thought I'd offer another point of view. I guess my whole point is that I can't justify spending money on something that's "not worth it" to me. But do whatever's right for you!

 

inevitably, if you are not going to wear the ring (my wife doesn't) then it really makes no sense to buy a ring in the first place. My wife did not want an engagement ring (at first), so we bought a wedding ring with small diamonds around it. albeit, we were not financially sound at that point, but I put money away when I started to see that she was wavering on the issue after we got married. about 6 months after we were married, i bought the engagement ring, but bought it on a no interest credit card. with the money i had saved plus spreading the payment over 12 months of no interest (plus getting 1% cash back on the card), we bought the ring. just b/c the rings are large doesn't mean that the person spent alot on the ring, so size isn't an indicator of how much someone spent. moreover, most people simply cannot tell between real and fake these days anyways. Bottom line, the engagement ring is really personal taste, and it sounds like you do not want it anyways. it's much worse having spent several thousand on something that is just going to be unused. if you are going to buy one, do your research, though.

 

If the letter writer is reading these comments, I just wanted to let you know that I didn't want an engagement ring (not just for political and financial reasons, but mostly for aesthetic ones as well), and I have yet to receive one rude comment. Most people, if they comment at all, seem tickled as punch. Going against "societal expectations" is a lot easier than DeBeers might have you believe ;)

 

Lucky Lily is sooooo right! To add to her argument against buying diamonds: Most people who have the $20,000 diamond do not even get the opportunity to wear it in public for fear of theft. Their jewellers fabricate a replica with a CZ for travel, everyday use. So who is kidding who? If you don't mind being seen in a fake and noone knows the difference then forgo the diamond altogether and feel more ethical.

Excellent topic. And BTW, rec'd an antique emerald ring from my fiance that was his great granny's. It is always the thought that counts and nothing else.

 

Glad you posted on this, Boston Gal! I have been long-time anti-diamondite, mostly for the reasons noted by luckylily. Though I love the look of diamonds for their versatility, I would much rather have the downpayment on the house and a similar stone that looks just about identical. Since most lay people, and most jewelers, cannot tell difference, why should I harp on it?

 

"tickled as punch" -- excuse my mixed metaphor!

 

DeBeers has been so successful with its marketing campaign. A diamond is required almost at every engagement/wedding. I can't imagine how anyone got married or engaged before DeBeers came along.

Don't mean to sound too political, but "Blood Diamond" the movie can shed light on a different side of the diamond industry.

I think diamond is a beautiful naturally hardest material on earth. It is a collection of ordinary carbon atoms. It's amazing how marketing can turn this material into a rite of passage.

My friend just upgraded to a 2 carats. I know some women who'd not get engaged to their boyfriends unless they have a 2 carat diamond ring.

Personally, I can live with or with out diamonds. I am happy with or with out it.

However, pure gold, platinum, and silve...they are a different story. I love them. They at least retain their value and great hedge against inflation.

 

After a lot of deliberation, my fiance and I chose a moissanite ring for my engagement ring. We did not want to support the artificial price supports that diamonds enjoy (due to De Beers and the rest of the industry). Still, my fiance spent a few thousand for the platinum setting. But, this is a ring I plan to wear every day. So, we both consider it a worthy purchase. I write about my efforts at planning a cost-conscious wedding at http://weddingsutra.blogspot.com.

 

This was a topic of conversation my boyfriend and I recently had. After much deliberation and research I decided on not getting a diamond ring nor an engagement ring. I'd rather the money be spent on something like a down payment on a house or a honeymoon - not something that will inevitably be in the jewelry box and never seen. What I was most apprehensive about was what I would tell people - the whole society thing. Well, I just decided I'm not going to let society (or my mother-in-law) tell me what to do or make me feel uncomfortable. Next time I'm put in a situation where someone goes on and on about how they can't believe I don't want a diamond ring I will just say I'm not interested in supporting slave labor and I'd rather take a one in a life time (for most people) honeymoon.

 

I'm frugal and my husband is frugal. I assumed we'd have no engagement ring. (Goodness, our wedding rings cost less than most people spend on a pair of jeans!) It turned out that his grandmother had a ring in a safe deposit box that had been sitting there for 50 years. He spent $35 dollars on shipping. It's worth asking. No one had ever seen her wear it because she never did. It is worth asking.

 

I'm not a jeweler, but I've worked at a no-frills jewelry design store for going on 2 1/2 years now and I've picked up some good tips in that time.

At my store, we carry a lab-grown stone called Lannyte that is gorgeous and a small fraction of the cost of a natural diamond, and also comes in a rainbow of colors. We recommend them over CZs, which can be cloudy and dull easily. There are also other natural diamond suppliers other than DeBeers, and your jeweler should be able to get stones from these other suppliers (including Canadian ones where the laws are very strict on mining and labor). There are also new technologies that allow diamonds to be grown in labs -- they have the same chemical properties of earth-grown diamonds, but you know exactly where they came from. An American company called Gemesis offers stones like this in a range of yellows and oranges (which would be incredibly high-cost if found in a natural stone). Another money saving tip, if you like the Platinum color of metal, is to go for 14k white gold, which is still durable and actually retains shine a little better than Platinum. Basically, when you sit down with a jeweler (for an engagement ring or any other piece of jewelry) he or she should be able to give you a wide range of pricing options for different metals and designs and types/sizes of stones, so you can pick and choose what fits your lifestyle the best.

For a women who thinks she may be asked The Big Question soon, I agree that you should have talk with your boyfriend (or at least drop some hints if you still want the surprise) and make sure he has an idea of what you want, so he isn't completely clueless when he heads into a jeweler. We usually can help those guys, but its better when they have a bit of a clue!

 

I'm not sure if you noticed the DeBeers commercials. But the commercials are almost always about a man surprising the woman. The reason they focus on this that survey after survey they've conducted stated that a woman will spend considerably less on a diamond ring compared to a man making the decision by himself. So DeBeers has to spend tons of money to perpetuate the mystery and surprise aspects of a diamond jewelry.

I'm not a big jewelry fan. However, when my wife and I got engaged, I did empty out my savings and bought her 2 karat ring. I have to admit, it was the best damn purchase I've ever made. I have abosolutely no regrets. It made my wife so happy and she's worn it everyday of our marriage (going on 7 years now). We pay for a rider on our home insurance to cover the ring in case of theft or loss.

I'm pretty cheap, but I'm also pretty traditional too. I think the 2 month's salary rule is appropriate. I think the engagement ring is not only a promise of marriage, but a promise of sacrifice too. If you can't sacrifice during the happiest moment of your life, how will you sacrifice when things are tough?

 

I'm interested to know why a gem stone must be part of the engagement ring? I'd much rather the ring be symbolic of our relationship not because "...that's how it's always done"

 

When my husband and I had our first serious conversation about getting married, I was adamant that there should be no diamonds in any engagement ring. And definitely no cubic zirconia or moissanite that "looks the same". Look-alikes really defeat the purpose of trying not to support the diamond industry because it perpetuates the cachet of the clear rock.

However, I did want a ring. I'm a conventional girl at heart, and didn't care to endure a year and a half (long engagement) of people asking me where my ring was.

I chose a lovely pearl ring. He did me one better and had a ring made in the same mold, but with my birthstone (of which I have very little jewelry). I think peridots may be the cheapest gems out there. The metal in the ring cost eight times what the 1.4 carat stone did, and it all still came out to less than $1k. :)

 

Anonymous asked about the symbolism of a gem stone for an engagement ring.

Now, I am not an expert. But my understanding of the history of the gem stone engagement ring is you are backing up your promise of marriage with some hard cold cash - the ring. A way for the man to say - I love you, I want to Marry you, and to prove to you and your family and all our neighbors and friends that I am serious (and won't just give you empty promises and then run away) I am sinking a large amount of my financial resources into this ring which I am giving to you to wear - the man then gets back his "money" when he fulfills the promise and gets married.

Of course, in today's world of premarital sex and a woman's ability to support herself (other than getting married) the ring is symbolic - but it started as practical.

Anyway, that is my understanding of the rings significanze (and also explains why a woman gets to keep the ring if the engagement is broken).

 

Questions like these have everything to do with your values and beliefs and what you are comfortable with. You or he aren't buying the ring for anyone else but yourself, so what does it really matter what other people think? Only you can answer this question.

Just think we westerners (caveat of course) are quite lucky in giving only an engagement ring. My wife is Chinese and I was expected to give $$ to her family equal to the amount it cost them to raise such a wonderful woman. In the Middle East and elsewhere, women are bought as much gold as can be afforded (as dowry), and the man pays the spouses family. The concept of reciprocity for marraige and dowries are in almost every culture. Again, it's what you value and what you believe in. The value/belief based decision should also be seperated from the purchase decision (i.e. where to, from who, for how much to buy).

I for one would only buy a real diamond, because I appreciate the real thing. Again, it's what I value.

 

I got my engagement ring just about a year ago, and I've been known to sit and stare at it sparkle for longer than I'm willing to admit. Fiance and I got engaged with no ring, and shopped together for one that would suit. (We liked the look of the heirloom ring his mother offered us, but a) it had been cut off her hand when she gained weight and b) the marriage that it represented had ended in divorce. Bad omen.)

I admit to being a bit foolish and shallow, fine, but I love my diamond ring dearly. It's quirky and looks antique and suits my hand perfectly--which was more important than the price tag. I definitely tried on rings with bigger rocks, but the style was more important than the size. My little hand would be dwarfed by a 2 carat monster!

 

Plano Princess . . . you need to check out Lannyte diamonds. They are incredible and alot less money than Moissanite. These diamonds are manmade however no one - not even jewelers can tell the difference between Lannyte and the real thing. Comes with a lifetime guarantee too.

 

I already own two diamond rings courtesy of a now deceased Great Aunt and Grandmother,i also had this is true the heirloom of my grandmother. Thank to your blog very informative.

by:rhianne