Boston Gal's Open Wallet

As I was reading this, it took me a second to realize that when you said your parents were "dating," that they were actually dating each other! I guess sometimes it does take some time away to understand what is truly best. Congratulations to them!

About the finances, and judging in particular. Have they asked you to share your numbers? I've found it's a lot easier to share with strangers, because who cares if they judge you. On the other hand, if the love in your family is strong, which I bet it is, they won't judge. Any mistakes you feel embarassed about are likely overtaken by past mistakes that people with a whole additional generation of experiences would have.

 

Hi Jane,

Wow. That is wonderful news. And it gives me hope for some of my divorced friends. If they had met in another time and another place, perhaps they would've stayed together. Sometimes, it's all a matter of timing.

As for your question....my parents have been married for 30s years, but I recently had to sit down with them and help them figure out their finances. My dad was laid off in January, and he was only a year shy of full retirement age. But emotionally and financially, he wasn't prepared to retire. Thankfully, he started a new job in February.

Have you thought about hiring a financial planner to help sort through some of these isssues in a more objective, unbiased manner? My financial planner has done this for a number of families. It helps level the playing field and diffuses some of the awkward tension.

But if you do decide to have a discussion with your parents, it might be helpful to arm yourself with books and resources from objective third parties. That way, you're just a messenger, conveying things that you've already learned, rather than acting as a parent to your parents. When I spoke with my parents, I would generally lead off with some general questions. And then based on my parents' response, I would explain the course of action that most advisors would recommend. I would also share with them my own experiences (what worked and didn't work for me), but only in a general sort of way. I used rough numbers, rather than specifics. The last thing I wanted to do was make them feel ashamed about the state of the finances or that they were somehow in competition with me.

Anyway, I do hope that you have an enjoyable Easter weekend with your parents. It's admirable that you're trying to help them sort through their finances.

 

Have you considered taking your data and then just changing the numbers around so that you don't have to disclose your information? I created a large spreadsheet that tracks all kinds of things. I also created a "dummy" spreadsheet that I give to friends that ask for it. That way, I can explain the concepts and show them how to do it without giving away all of my information. Just a thought.
Hazzard

 

Like Flexo said...when u said "dating" I didn't think they were dating each other...Congrats!! Wow, that's awesome...must be really serious if they are looking at the financials...I really would steer away from it...If I had no choice, I would make it really clear to my parents what we're there for, and good or bad, financials are serious and u can't have emotions involved...good luck!

 

I don't know what to say. After 30 years, that's kind of amazing. It's very Disney "The Parent Trap". Good luck to you and yours.

As far as sharing their numbers, do they know you blog? Do they support your candor? Do they want to participate? I went on a leap mentioning the family emergency on my blog, but I felt the abruptness and absence needed some explaining. No need for me to go into the details like in this scenario.

You're really successful at PFBlogging, so you might try asking them if they are ok with the revelation.

Lots of luck!

 

I'm curious about your statement that you're afraid they'll think less of you. It sounds as though you're quite responsible with your finances--more so than either of them are-- so what are you afraid they'll disapprove of? (I could be a little more nosy, but it would be a challenge. LOL.)

 

Hi Jane,
I've been in a position where I had to go over my parents' financials, mostly because they were in a hole and unable to dig themselves out. It will be an awkward situation for both parties, yourself and them. But if your parents agreed they want your advice, I would go ahead and do it. However, I don't think there is any need for you to divulge your numbers. That's not their business unless you want it to be. You can talk about your personal info in general terms, just so they understand your spreadsheets and investment advice. Good luck, and best wishes to all!

 

WOW, that is awesome! Reuniting after 30 years apart would make me think they are really soul mates. Congrats to your parents and family.

As for the financial part, I've never been through this with my parents. I did try to get my mom to do a budget and track her spending but she refused. I gave up after 3 attempts. As for revealing your numbers, do you really have to? Can you just stick to the facts in theory and provide examples as you are going over their information? Why will they think "less" of you? You're doing an excellent job with yourself financially, especially being a single woman doing everything on your own. I'm sure they will be proud.

Talking about money with anyone can get emotional, but if you feel it going in the wrong direction, call a time out before it gets too bad. Everything doesn't have to be revealed, discussed, and organized all at once. Take your time and only address the parts everyone is comfortable with sharing. It just might become a learning experience for everyone.

I wish your parents all the best and I hope you have a fabulous Easter weekend with mom and dad. ;-)

 

Thank you everyone for your very supportive comments. This was not an impulsive post, I thought long and hard before revealing this. I honestly needed some advice and grateful to be receiving your wisdom.

I guess I feel that I need to reveal my numbers since they will be revealing theirs. Maybe that won't be the case. I am going to try to start with the easy things - how much does Mom spend on utilities per month, how much does Dad? And work up from there.

As for going to a personal finance advisor, that is an option in the future. However, they asked me to get them started. Who knows? Maybe once I get them started they will take over and I can bow out. More likely at the end of the weekend they will have a long list of questions which will require research. Maybe that is the point for a personal finance advisor...

As for my parents thinking less of me, that is probably because of how I perceive my finances. I always feel that others are doing better than I am. At least those who are the same age (it is not fair to compare a 35 year old to a 25 year old).

It may not be true, but I can't help feeling that way. I don't have a child I can point to and say "that is where my money went" or to a business or spouse or whatever.

 

Jane,
That's some story. I think it even trumps the story about my father dating the mother of my best friend from high school. They've been together for eight or nine years now.

I agree with other commenters who counseled against revealing your numbers. It seems like they might feel outdone if they're not very good with money when you so clearly are good with money. I especially like IRA's idea about presenting objective info to them as if you're just a conduit. They might find it easier to take.

Good luck. I hope it is more enjoyable than you expect it to be.

 

Wonderful news. Comparing yourself to others is never a good thing because everyone has had a different experience.

Taking your hits and bouncing back from them and putting one foot in front of the other every day and making positive progress towards your goals is the true measure.

Good luck!!!

 

Wow! That is so excited and makes me feel kind of tingly! I wish your parents and your family the best.

I have a few questions--this is my usual way of handing out advice, btw:

1) DO you have to share your numbers? They asked for your input, that does not necessarily mean you have to "share all." I can definitely see giving them examples of how "someone" might have so much in his or her retirement account, etc., without it having to be YOU and what you have in YOUR retirement account.

2) Why on earth would they think less of you? You said neither of them are very good with finances and that they know it. Chances are they'd be impressed with how you're handling yours in spite of what "training" you might have received from them.

3) I know it's natural to want your parents' approval, but do you think you really need it? After all, you have ours. :)

I wish you the best of luck and a good weekend!

 

Like the others, I can't imagine how your parents could think less of you after seeing your numbers. I also think they would more likely be intimidated than judgmental.

But like you, I would think that if they were willing to share their numbers with me, I'd feel like I should be willing to share my numbers with them. What really matters, though, is whether they have any interest in your numbers. If not, don't bring it up. Don't rub it in. If they do want to hear, it's nice to see an example of what's possible, for a regular human being who they actually know.

Any mistakes you have made, especially ones you have recovered from, could be very inspiring.

I do like your idea of focussing on one thing at a time. What are their fixed expenses, and how fixed are they? What are the elements of their current net worth?

What are some options? Help brainstorm, and bring up wacko possibilites (like living out of their cars to save money) so that that merely odd ideas will sound better.

About judging them, you're probably going to have some horrifying, shocking moments. But if you want them to tell all, which they should, practice how to respond. Just because you feel judgmental at first, doesn't mean you don't also feel loving and optimistic.

So you could practice saying things like "wow, that's a tough one!" and "it was very courageous of you to reveal that" rather than "Omigod! How could you have let this happen? Didn't you people ever grow up?" Maybe not (in this area), but they're starting now.

Or it could turn into a game: "You think that's bad! What about that time I ...?"

Good luck. Adventurous times ahead

 

An amazing and I'm sure nerve-wracking situation. Best of luck with it, and I hope it all works out for the best for everyone.

 

Since my father died almost four years ago, I have been advising my Mom on her finances. My father too would ask for advice on individual investments but not reveal the overall picture. My Mom clearly wanted overall advice. Mainly I advise my Mom on investments including choosing other financial advisers which is what we have been struggling with over the last few years. My ideal would be to get one firm to provide all services and actually get me largely off the hook from responsibility of making decisions. I also have encouraged her to spend more money. That hasn't had much effect :) So I have a detailed picture of her finances and investments. OTOH I haven't revealed how much money I have - she knows I have experience with this and the kind of experience and that is sufficient.

Obviously your situation is quite a bit different but some of the same would apply - take things one step at a time - as much as they want to reveal at each stage - if they ask you about your finances tell them the answers to the specific questions they ask. And maybe as others have suggested and we've tried to do if it is appropriate nudge them towards seeing a financial planner of some sort.

 

Jane, that is so awesome! I know itt's tough being a child of divorced parents. It almost seems like after giving up hope, they've gotten back together! Since my parents didn't get divorced until after I was a bit older, I think I understood more about why they got divorced. Since there is so much bitterness still (it's been about 7 years), I don't think my parents would ever get back together and I don't know if I would want them too. It's great that your parents trust you and respect you enough to talk about their financial lives with you. Don't feel pressured to share your numbers!

 

Wow, this has the potential to be a very intense discussion. Maybe start the discussion by admitting that you're nervous about them judging you, and you understand that they might feel the same way. Promise not to attach any good/bad values to anything that anyone shares, and ask them to do the same. And if things do get too personal, don't be afraid to take a break, erase actual numbers from spreadsheets, talk about "other bloggers" instead of yourself, etc.

The important thing is that you love your parents, they love you, and money has nothing to do with that.

 

i think you should just tell mom and dad to google you and tell them you're #1 or #2 in fblogs, and that everything should fall in place.... since you must have some business related skills when it comes to finance and you.r